Scottsdale, Arizona, United States
Welcome to Momshrooms Personal blog detailing my Psilocybin experience
About Me
Middle-Aged Mom
Welcome to my blog about my recent use of magic mushrooms. This blog represents my experience and nothing more. Here is my disclaimer: I am not selling anything or promoting the use of illegal drugs. My experience is uniquely my own, and I do not have any medical training. Only an idiot would take mushrooms based solely on my experience. I discourage anyone from being an idiot.
History
In 1990, while still in college, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. That year, I began taking SSRIs. This is an acronym for Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors. The majority of antidepressants fall into this category or in the category of SNRIs (serotonin norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors).
For almost 30 years, these prescription medicines did me a world of good. They enabled me to finish college and graduate school. As with anything else, one develops a tolerance after taking a specific formula for a while. Fortunately, when the Prozac stopped working, there was Zoloft. Then Cymbalta, Paxil, Effexor, Serzone, Trazadone, Venlafaxine. There were many more that I cycled through over the years,
Then in spring 2019, I noticed the feelings of despair creeping back despite being on a very powerful drug, Venlafaxine. My doctor said he could switch me, but I needed to transition carefully, he said. I had no idea how horrible it could be until I had my first brain zap.
That is really what they’re called. Brain zaps. You know when your computer suddenly reboots for no reason, no matter what you are doing? It is like that happens in your brain! It doesn’t matter if you are driving or giving a presentation or helping your son with his homework. It’s a truly scary shock-like feeling before you lose your place in daily life. Electrical shock. Zap. Obviously, it is frustrating and embarrassing when it’s not just terrifying (like when driving on the highway).
Background
I'm a mother, a daughter, an analyst and by all accounts, I have a good life. I am not poor. I was fortunate enough to have obtained a graduate degree in the mid 1990s, and I did not have to accumulate debt to get it. I was born white and middle class in the USA. Honestly, as far as problems go, mine are not big.
Unfortunately, this has not been enough to keep me from suffering from depression for most of my life. When I say depression, I am not talking about feeling sad about a situation or event. I am talking about a dark, soul-crushing feeling of despair. It Is stronger than logic or reason.
It's not a matter of perking up or having a positive attitude. It isn't a situational thing because "something happened." It is a chemical imbalance. Technically, it is not different from a diabetic who needs insulin to survive. Something is chemically off in my brain. I have felt this confusion (lack of a better word) since childhood. I've always felt "off."
Why Psilocybin?
Trying psilocybin was a last ditch effort for me to manage my depression. After almost thirty years on SSRIs/SSNIs, they no longer worked for me. I felt my world getting smaller and darker. It was a deeper depression than I had ever felt before, and I was desperate not to wind up killing myself in an excessively blue period.
The two alternatives that I found to SSNIs/SSRIs were Ketamine and psilocybin. Despite being a cannabis user, I had never tried hallucinogenic drugs. I tried cocaine once in 1983, and liked it so much I swore I would never touch it again. Drugs that messed with my mind were absolutely off limits. I am smart, and I didn't want to take a chance of screwing that up.
Not to mention, I grew up as Nixon’s War on Drugs was just getting started. It was not until this year that I learned Leary, Hoffman, McKenna, Huxley weren’t burn-outs. They were educated men - doctors, scientists, philosophers. Every one of them a college graduate, many with advanced degrees, but I‘d been told that mushrooms were dangerous, addictive, and deadly.
So, I went to see the Ketamine doctor. He charged me $375 for an evaluation. Unlike my therapist and my psychiatrist, he only accepted cash. No insurance. We discussed my depression for 30 minutes until he saw that I am a medical marijuana cardholder. At that point, he declared Ketamine was not an alternative for me. He attributed my depression to my cannabis use, despite several years of documented depression with no substance use at all. I left his office desperate and more discouraged than ever.
I turned to the Internet for information and found very little empirical evidence about magic mushrooms. Honestly, as soon as I read that they couldn't kill me, I decided to give them a try. That is how desperate I was. For fifty years, I avoided drugs that I thought could really screw up my brain, but I had to do something. I really felt like I had nothing to lose.
Fly agaric mushrooms, or Amanita muscaria, do not actually contain psilocybin.
My Psilocybin Experiences
Antidepressants Interfered
I tried taking 1.5g of magic mushrooms in mid August with no results. I tried again with 2g three days later and still had no results. I mean, I felt NOTHING. So armed with my WebMD, I stopped taking all my meds. I know it wasn't smart, but I also read enough about psychopharmacology to realize the antidepressants might have been interfering with psilocybin. It wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be, going off them altogether. I’m guessing this was because I was already so damn depressed they weren’t doing anything anyway. So, I stopped taking the SSRIs and tried with the shrooms again a week later.
My First Trip - August 26, 2019
No lie, it sucked. It was absolutely horrible. I cried for seven hours until I could drive home. Then I stayed in bed and cried and thought for two more days. It was incredibly emotionally intense. I thought about things that had never occurred to me before. Throughout my childhood, I heard that we only use about 3% of our brain. Until I had this first experience, I couldn’t have fathomed how much more I can process.
I didn't know what to expect, having never before hallucinated. It was nothing like smoking or even eating cannabis. It wasn’t like alcohol either. The hallucinogenic effects I noticed were, for the most part, an intensity of colors and emotions. And periodically, my companion favored an iguana.
More Detail on First Trip
So the third time was the charm. I went to a new friend's house to purchase the mushrooms and trip there with her. As she is very familiar with psilocybin and has helped many people with their psilocybin adventures, it seemed like a good move at the time.
This time, I tried a variety of mushrooms called Penis Envy. My dose was 4.5g while my companion took 2g. We ground them into powder and covered them in fresh lemon juice for 30 minutes. The lemon tek preparation was supposed to draw out the psilocybin. I don't know if it was the quantity, the quality or the lemon (citric acid) addition, but it absolutely worked.
One of the things that I have since read is the importance of setting. I don't think that I can possibly state enough how vitally critical it is to be in a setting where you feel really comfortable and safe. At no time was I unsafe, but I was very uncomfortable and that made my journey truly suck. Based upon my experience, I would ask in advance if your guide will be dosing at the same time. Seeking therapy instead of looking to use recreationally, I recommend against having the first experience be with someone using recreationally. Not being judgmental here, just the different goals really muddled my journey
What It Felt Like
The woman who helped me actually achieve my first trip told me that you don’t always take the trip you want to have, but the one you need. She put on a movie and we sat on her sofa, drinking smoothies waiting for the effects to kick in.
Side note, I hate insipid comedy. I can’t watch Dumb & Dumber, or Ace Ventura - the annoying noises irritate me and it’s just not my humor. No judgment. It was that kind of movie though. As the colors began to become more vivid, my thinking became very jumbled. I’m not sure how I got there - I think it could be because the movie had a scene of a guy jerking off in the Anne Frank house - and I was raised in a conservative Jewish household. I remember thinking how inappropriate it was, and then recalling an incident from my childhood that was really disturbing to me.
I was surprised by how intensely it came rushing into my mind, and instantly moved to tears. All I wanted was to sit in silence and reflect on the memory and the completely different perspective I had 45 years later. Tears were streaming down my face as I struggled to reconcile the two perspectives. Unfortunately, my companion noticed my tears. She thought I was crying because of something that was happening in the movie, and began trying to explain the movie to me. Despite me repeatedly asking her to please stop, she felt compelled to try to comfort me. I understand it, and she wasn’t doing anything wrong. It just WAS NOT what I wanted.
The different alternatives I was thinking we’re absolutely fascinating to me. It was emotional, but not in a negative way. I love to think, and gaining so much insight had the potential to be an incredible experience. However, because we had different goals and mindsets for this experience, I wound up feeling frustrated, angry and more misunderstood than I did before I tried them.
I drove home, crawled into bed and stayed there for two days. Aside from driving my kids to and from school, I did nothing from Monday through Wednesday. Then I awoke Thursday, and I felt okay.
Microdosing
Since the first experience, I tried again with 3g. The second time was also terrible, again because I was very uncomfortable with my companion. This was a different person, different situation entirely and it, too, sucked. I think this is something I really appreciate more alone. I'm not using these mushrooms for recreation, and I find having someone there with me interferes with the thought process.
So for the the past two months, I have been microdosing. No longer bothering to carefully weigh everything on my gram scale, usually I just eat a single mushroom every couple of days. The changes in my brain are remarkable. I’m building again. I go to the gym. I’m dating. Interviewing for jobs. I’m alive again.
It’s Weird Sharing This
I feel kind of strange putting this all on the Internet, but my personal growth has been so remarkable since I tried psilocybin, I feel compelled to share it with other people. I wish I had been able to find more information before I did it. Hindsight is 20/20 - I have been reading a crapton since then.
Important Disclaimer
My life does is not filled with butterflies and unicorn farts. I still cry but, I don't think about suicide. In fact, the changes in my thinking have been so incredible, I cannot ever picture myself going down that road again. It was a well worn path of despair, and it is just gone. I remember it, but it is almost like something from years ago that I outgrew. It doesn’t fit anymore. I don't know that I will have the time or the terminology to articulate everything that is happening as my brain grows, but I am going to try.
Two month update - October 28, 2019
How Much Venlafaxine I Took
Until 2017, I had been taking 150 mg of Venlafaxine daily. Then, my dosage was increased to 225 mg daily following the demise of my marriage.
Side Effects of Stopping Antidepressants
I mentioned brain zaps above. Those passed within the first month of stopping Venlafaxine. However, I noticed my hands falling asleep almost daily. This sensation, called paresthesia, grew increasingly worse and more frequent over the first two months of stopping Venlafaxine.
After two months, I sought medical help. Venlafaxine, it seems, blocks nerve pain. Stopping the medication resulted in feeling the damage from carpal tunnel syndrome. As I had been taking Venlafaxine for many years, I had no indication I was developing carpal tunnel syndrome. Ten weeks after stopping Venlafaxine, an EMG (Electromyography) revealed damage so severe I require surgery. Currently, I sleep in braces with metal rods from palm to elbow to prevent the pain from waking me. My surgery will take place next month.
While seeking information about the effects Venlafaxine has on the body, I noticed there are many class action lawsuits currently underway. There are also many support groups for people who have suffered permanent nerve damage as a result of taking it to alleviate depression. I have not had time to look into these groups, but they’re there.
Have My Kids Noticed?
I’m a single mother of three teens. They have seen me struggle for years with depression. They have also noticed the phenomenal changes since my first psilocybin experience. I don’t believe in bullshitting them, and they all have known about my psilocybin adventures from the start. Their reactions? “You just seem happier, Mom.” “You don’t get freaked out so fast.” “You smile and sing, Mom.” Life is good.
FAQs
So, every time someone asks something new I try to incorporate it in the content. Feel free to reach out. I’m finding that I am really interested in mycology now...more than just psilocybin. I’m beginning to think that fungi are the answer to many of our issues; from Alzheimer’s to oil spills.
Mycology
Over the past three months, I have developed an interest in fungi. In addition to continuing to microdose with psilocybin, I now also consume reishi, lions mane, and turkey tail mushrooms.
The film Fantastic Fungi really had an immense influence on my decision to research mycology further. It is currently traveling around the country. If you have a chance, it is well worth the 91 minutes.
Four Months Later
Life Goes On
It’s four months later, to the day. I’m still here. In the past month, I have had both wrist surgeries completed.
I just spent Christmas alone, and actually enjoyed it. I didn’t think I would, but I have become more comfortable with being alone over the past few months.
Dosing Stuff I Learned
Taking too much makes me cry, a lot. I don’t like the “trippy” way I feel when I take more than 3g. My skin feels extremely sensitive and I can’t relax. I itch. I know that’s weird, but it’s a consistent reaction.
Dosing with a gram or less usually doesn’t make me feel any differently, per se, It’s enough to give me a bit of energy, and seems to make me more able to see other viewpoints besides my own. That’s not articulate, I know. I feel more open and accepting of others though.
Anger
One of the things less positive effects I have noticed is an increase in how angry I feel. Just in general. I think that is a side effect of not being on the antidepressants anymore. I used to feel flatlined, neither up nor down. Now, my emotions fluctuate vastly. I really hope that I will get it more under control over the next year. I’m more aware of how much we seem to be angry as a society and wonder if that is having an impact on my mood. Nonetheless, it’s still a challenge.